Bikini Time!

I think I may have lost my ever-loving mind. This is probably not very shocking to most people since my having a sound mind to begin with is questionable.

However, I surprised myself with this latest move.

I ordered myself a bikini. Yes, you read that correctly.

I must have had a bout of super-self-confidence last week while gardening because that's when I thought of this brilliant idea. Mind you, I'm 42 years old and have NEVER worn a bikini. Never, ever, not even when I was 16 and very well could and should have been wearing one. Never.

I was out in my garden, planting flowers and I thought, "I bet I'd get tan if I was out here in a bikini top." Just as simple as that. I continued this fantasy with a chain of delusional thoughts. No one would really see me if I were in the back yard and then maybe I can tan my WHITE torso and well, why the hell not?
So, I marched inside and went online and ordered myself a bikini top. I read all the reviews for this particular style since it claimed to be for large-chested women. The reviews were great! The suit top has a bra with under wire inside! Large-chested women gave it the thumbs up! I was excited! I ordered one in the size I thought would work for me. I ordered bottoms also, I mean, what the hell, I'm going for it, right?

Then I got thinking. Seriously, Amy? A BIKINI? A bathing suit is not exactly my favorite article of clothing but given a choice, my body screams, "ONE PIECE!" Forrest Gump's Mama's voice came into my head, "Are you stupid or something?" Stupid is as stupid does, Mama.  Self-doubt took over before I even received the package in the mail. Oh well, I'd give it a whirl. If it was horrendous, I'd just mail the thing back and laugh it off. If it fit and looked half-way decent I'd wear it in my yard.  However, we are going on vacation to the Dominican Republic this summer and maybe if it looked okay I'd wear it there- far, far away from the United States beaches.

What I wish I looked like in a bikini, Angie Everhart.

Most likely what I really will look like in a bikini!

The bigger question is why does it matter so much what it looks like? WHO CARES, right? I've been to the beach in many different places and have seen people of all sizes wearing bathing suits that they rocked. Maybe the person didn't look like a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model, but the fact that they were wearing the suit with confidence made a difference.I was listening to the Howard Stern Show just the other day and he was beating himself up over his looks when Maria Menudos pointed out that he should stop the "mental violence." That term struck a chord. My friend, Rachael, pointed out in her hilarious blog, RachRiot,  a few weeks ago (RachRiot-The Perfect Trip) that our friends love us regardless of what we look like or how we age, so why can't we love ourselves? It's the theme of the moment, apparently. Me, Rachael, and Howard Stern are on the same page. It's time to stop the mental violence against myself.

The package arrived today. I opened it up and tried that bikini on right away. The bottoms fit- my hips are not perfectly smooth in silhouette but that's alright. The top? Too big- it gapped on the sides. Now came the moment of truth! Do I just send it all back and forget this idea or do I send the top back and order a smaller size?

Fuck it, I sent it back and ordered a smaller size. Look out y'all, I'm going to wear a bikini. Hang on to your hat.

Just let it go!

URGH! How many times have I heard those words and wanted to strangle the person saying them to me? Quite a few is the answer. Just let that go, Amy.

The other day I was at a really cool luncheon sponsored by an organization called the Women & Girls Fund. Their purpose is to serve the women and girls of the area in which I live. (If you're interested in their organization, click here.) It was an honor to be included in this room of women and a few men, who are committed to helping other women and girls. It was inspiring, to say the least, and made me want to run out and do something to help! Anyway, there were flowers on the tables and we were encouraged to have one person at each table take them home. A woman at our table really wanted them and was trying to figure out how to take them without looking greedy or deserving. She and I were talking and she was about to take the flowers when an older lady at the table took them. The woman next to me, who really wanted the flowers, looked disappointed and so we turned to other tables to see if any other centerpieces were available. There were not. I turned to her, and just said, "Well I guess you have to let it go." She said, "You know what, you're so right! I'm over it." About five minutes later she came back with a centerpiece in her hands and said, "Look! I got one after all, it was on the sign-in table!"

It dawned on me that this was really simple example of letting go and then having something unexpected happen. I can totally dig this kind of letting go! I can do it, for the most part, without much fanfare. I seem to be able to let go of the outcome of situations fairly easily. I know that things will be okay and that worrying or projecting my fears into the situation will not help. I'm not always perfect, trust me, so sometimes this process takes time. I get disappointed or upset, annoyed, or even sad about having to let go of the outcome of a situation. But I can do it. What I have found is that things really do work out the way they are supposed to and much better than I could have ever expected. A friend of mine and I often say to one another, "Ohh, I wonder how this is going to work out?," with excitement and wonder!

You know what's really hard though? Letting go of another person's behavior or more specifically what I think their behavior ought to be!  I recognize this defect in myself and do my best to "Let it go!" Letting it go is HARD! Why can't everyone else just act right? Why can't everyone just act the way I think they ought to and then things would be grand? Why?

Because I'm not the center of the universe, that's why! I'm not in control.

The puzzling part is that there are times when I am able to do it, which makes it worse for the times that I am not. I have heard a million little sayings about this "letting go" business with relation to other people and they all make sense. Applying them to my particular issue is the problem. I guess those situations in which letting go comes easier are inspiration for me to keep working at it. Acceptance is the answer. I have to accept people exactly where they are at and not impose my expectations on them, regardless of whether those expectations are realistic or not. Grrr. 

This post has helped me over the last few days, check it out if you like!


40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain  

I heard a woman give a talk over the weekend and she used a hula hoop as a benchmark. Put a hula hoop around your body and whatever falls inside of that hoop is what you have control over, nothing else. That's enlightening, if not a bit sobering, right? So I guess that means I do not, after all, have control of my dog. Unless she's sitting on my lap.

I'll be over here, working on letting that go.

Sushi talking back to me.