Bikini Time!

I think I may have lost my ever-loving mind. This is probably not very shocking to most people since my having a sound mind to begin with is questionable.

However, I surprised myself with this latest move.

I ordered myself a bikini. Yes, you read that correctly.

I must have had a bout of super-self-confidence last week while gardening because that's when I thought of this brilliant idea. Mind you, I'm 42 years old and have NEVER worn a bikini. Never, ever, not even when I was 16 and very well could and should have been wearing one. Never.

I was out in my garden, planting flowers and I thought, "I bet I'd get tan if I was out here in a bikini top." Just as simple as that. I continued this fantasy with a chain of delusional thoughts. No one would really see me if I were in the back yard and then maybe I can tan my WHITE torso and well, why the hell not?
So, I marched inside and went online and ordered myself a bikini top. I read all the reviews for this particular style since it claimed to be for large-chested women. The reviews were great! The suit top has a bra with under wire inside! Large-chested women gave it the thumbs up! I was excited! I ordered one in the size I thought would work for me. I ordered bottoms also, I mean, what the hell, I'm going for it, right?

Then I got thinking. Seriously, Amy? A BIKINI? A bathing suit is not exactly my favorite article of clothing but given a choice, my body screams, "ONE PIECE!" Forrest Gump's Mama's voice came into my head, "Are you stupid or something?" Stupid is as stupid does, Mama.  Self-doubt took over before I even received the package in the mail. Oh well, I'd give it a whirl. If it was horrendous, I'd just mail the thing back and laugh it off. If it fit and looked half-way decent I'd wear it in my yard.  However, we are going on vacation to the Dominican Republic this summer and maybe if it looked okay I'd wear it there- far, far away from the United States beaches.

What I wish I looked like in a bikini, Angie Everhart.

Most likely what I really will look like in a bikini!

The bigger question is why does it matter so much what it looks like? WHO CARES, right? I've been to the beach in many different places and have seen people of all sizes wearing bathing suits that they rocked. Maybe the person didn't look like a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model, but the fact that they were wearing the suit with confidence made a difference.I was listening to the Howard Stern Show just the other day and he was beating himself up over his looks when Maria Menudos pointed out that he should stop the "mental violence." That term struck a chord. My friend, Rachael, pointed out in her hilarious blog, RachRiot,  a few weeks ago (RachRiot-The Perfect Trip) that our friends love us regardless of what we look like or how we age, so why can't we love ourselves? It's the theme of the moment, apparently. Me, Rachael, and Howard Stern are on the same page. It's time to stop the mental violence against myself.

The package arrived today. I opened it up and tried that bikini on right away. The bottoms fit- my hips are not perfectly smooth in silhouette but that's alright. The top? Too big- it gapped on the sides. Now came the moment of truth! Do I just send it all back and forget this idea or do I send the top back and order a smaller size?

Fuck it, I sent it back and ordered a smaller size. Look out y'all, I'm going to wear a bikini. Hang on to your hat.